I also have something brewing. I am going out of town. Just me. Away. To BFF's house. Without Doodle. I feel like a terrible mama, but I need some time to myself. I literally feel my sanity slipping through my hands like grains of sand. I am catching myself getting very angry, very often and very tired mentally. Please, little mama's out there, tell me this is normal and I'm not terrible. And also tell me, that as your little ones grow you learn how to deal with being the sole provider & nourisher. I never realized what it mean to be someone's parent... but already at 4 months of age, I feel the needs she has & am amazed at how much she needs me. Needs my touch. Needs my love. It's an overwhelming feeling realizing how much provision little Doodle needs. From Me. Just me. I wish I could understand it. Understand her cries. I know the pattern of them. But I wish I could understand. I wish he would understand. Understand that I need sleep at night too. That I need someone to hold her in the afternoon when she refuses to be set down. That I need someone to prop me up & uplift me with words. Does he see it? Does he still see me? Me. Who I really am? Or does he only see the surface? The words? The questions I ask? Does he still care? I asked him this. He rolled his eyes and said of course.
I promised a happy post. I may have lied. I sorry. These are the things that have been plauging me. They are the reason for the brewing of plans. I need a break to re-capture somethings in me. I need to sit at a coffee house & feel like a 22 year old. I need to sit and crochet non-stop till I get a cramp. I need to spend a day with out crying. I need a day to feel like a real person... not just the emotions I've been having. I need to feel like me again.