8.30.2009

Venting. Please excuse.

With cuppa in hand, I am sitting in my dark living room typing this blog. There are ominous clouds perched over head here at Autumn Lane and deep dark thunder rolls just on the other side of the mountain. I stepped out on the porch for a moment, and streaks of lightening cracked. Something is brewing outside. 

I also have something brewing. I am going out of town. Just me. Away. To BFF's house. Without Doodle. I feel like a terrible mama, but I need some time to myself. I literally feel my sanity slipping through my hands like grains of sand. I am catching myself getting very angry, very often and very tired mentally. Please, little mama's out there, tell me this is normal and I'm not terrible. And also tell me, that as your little ones grow you learn how to deal with being the sole provider & nourisher. I never realized what it mean to be someone's parent... but already at 4 months of age, I feel the needs she has & am amazed at how much she needs me. Needs my touch. Needs my love. It's an overwhelming feeling realizing how much provision little Doodle needs. From Me. Just me. I wish I could understand it. Understand her cries. I know the pattern of them. But I wish I could understand. I wish he would understand. Understand that I need sleep at night too. That I need someone to hold her in the afternoon when she refuses to be set down. That I need someone to prop me up & uplift me with words. Does he see it? Does he still see me? Me. Who I really am? Or does he only see the surface? The words? The questions I ask? Does he still care? I asked him this. He rolled his eyes and said of course. 

I promised a happy post. I may have lied. I sorry. These are the things that have been plauging me. They are the reason for the brewing of plans. I need a break to re-capture somethings in me. I need to sit at a coffee house & feel like a 22 year old. I need to sit and crochet non-stop till I get a cramp. I need to spend a day with out crying. I need a day to feel like a real person... not just the emotions I've been having. I need to feel like me again. 

3 comments:

Fawne said...

This is normal and there's no way you're a terrible mama. I know almost exactly what you're going through! I was new in Thomaston w/ a newborn and a hubs that worked 12 hour shifts four or five days a week and totally felt like this. And I'm sure every mother has felt like this at one time or another. Getting away for a few days will be good for you and I strongly urge you do so. You have to take care of yourself! I know being a stay at home mama is exhausting. You're going to feel guilty for leaving your baby and it's going to be hard to really relax but again, you have to make time for yourself. I remember leaving Mazzy w/ her daddy for four days when she was 6 months old and I felt human again. When I got back Daniel was like, omg, I appreciate you so much more now.

Anyway, I'm rambling! I just wanted to say, I know this feeling and it's okay to feel this way and it's okay to want to take a break. It's okay and it'll all be okay. :)

-heather- said...

thank you, fawne! it means a lot! especially to hear it from someone who's been there. I talked to someone today about everything thats been going on & I really feel better. I know this weekend is going to be a ton of fun & I'm sure it will really help. Lots of girl therapy.
ps; you can ramble here all you want.. i'm the worlds worst at rambling!

sarasophia said...

ARG.
I just wrote you a super duper long poetic comment and I am in all moods of hatred cuz the dumb blogger thing deleted it.

RAGE.

SNARK.

BLUG.

I'll be back.

I need to go smack something.