See, the mom in my head would wake up with a smile on her red lips, put on her cute little apron and tie her bandanna on and get to work. She would make heart shape pancakes with eggs, bacon, fresh fruit, orange juice and cookies or cupcakes. She would set the table with the pretty plates and flowers. She would talk to her toddler and 1 year old like they held the power of the universe in their words. The mom in my head would cover them in kisses and when they were finished let them eat as many cupcakes as they wanted. Then she would wash the dishes and take the kids outside to wander in the woods barefoot, even though it's raining. (It's absurd.. I know, such as this woman in my head, never the less..) She would show her kids all the interesting things. Then we'd go inside and warm up with hot coco with marshmallows and listen to music and dance. When the giggles from dancing had us in fits we'd fall out on the carpet till we caught our breath. Then we'd color and paint and sculpt and sprinkle glitter everywhere. We'd eat fruit and cheese and crackers for lunch and drink the fancy juice. Then when we were so full we would pile all the blankets in the house on the living room floor to watch Mary Poppins or The Secret Garden or A Little Princess, but we'd never see the end of those movies. Because we would fall asleep snuggled in each others arms and love. When we woke up we would greet each other with kisses and nose snuffles. After all the kisses in the world, each kid would be ready for some alone play time & mommy could do things she needed to do.. like laundry, work stuff, cleaning, catching up on tv or pinning on pinterest *cause it's a hobby..right?!* The mommy in my head would speak and everyone would listen out of love and respect. Everyone would be happy & the mommy would be too.
Sadly, the mommy in my head isn't real. As lovely as she sounds, she doesn't exist. And the reality is so much worse than that beautiful image I just painted. I'm ashamed of the mother that I am. The tantrums I throw. The limits of my patience don't allow me to become the warm, fuzzy mother I wish I was in my head. The awkwardness of my personality doesn't like for the kids to wallow a hole in me while I sit on the couch. Or follow me around every single second. Maybe it's because I'm not paying enough attention. Maybe it's because I'm not creating that dream world for them. I know this though, I try really hard. I want to be that mommy in my head. Not because I think she's super mom, but because she seems loving and kind. And her kids seem loving and kind and fun. Because that's how I want my kids to remember me...
I just want to be proud of the parent that I am, no amount of outside encouragement could convince me that I am a good mommy... because the mommy in my head is so much better. And the extents I go to compare myself to her are insane. I just want to raise honest, good hearted, kind, interesting, strong and compassionate children.
And I don't know how to do it.
I'm drinking this cup of coffee, that I am pretending tastes grand.
I'm listening to blissful music & I'm taking these little things.
I'm holding them close like coats of arms.
I am holding them to fear off the thoughts looming, always looming.
I swear I'm way too negative in my personal thoughts.
The conscious stream that I live with day to day.
The one I have to filter very heavily so people actually like me.
It's a mess.
But life isn't.
As much bad as I make it out to be,
Life is sort of grand.
Doesn't it have that way?
To make you feel the lowest and the highest simultaneously.
I've been feeling much better. And I wish I could shine that light over those past posts.
I want to delete them, but they are reminders.
They are hope.
Life always gets better, if you just hold on.
If you just change your perspective.
Smile on & Pretend nothing is wrong. You'll believe yourself eventually.
I regretfully have to inform you that my computer has crashed. :( It's in need of a new hard drive! And it's also my work laptop... So it might be ages before I get it back. I'm going to find a way to update from my phone but until then follow me on pinterest & instagram for all my exploits! I miss you guys!
So, I took the plunge and bought a ridiculously expensive pack of Sally Hansen Nail Polish Strips. I've been wanting to try them since they came out sometime last year! I've looked around at various places and dediced to buy mine from Wal-Mart because they were the cheapest there at $8.50. At other drugstores they ranged $9.50 to $10.50. I think this is kind of ridiculous, considering my favorite nail polish, Sinful Colors, is $1.99 & it comes in some pretty awesome shades.. (more on that later though!).
Here's what you need to get started:
*One Pack of Sally Hansen's Salon Effects Nail Polish Strips
*Nail Polish Remover
and *Soap to wash your hands.
Easy enough. The set comes with good, easy instrustions, 3-sided nail buffer, cuticle stick and 2 packs of nail strips.
I followed the instructions to a tee! I have to admit I kinda wanted to stop after I pushed my cuticles back & buffed my nails! They looked so pretty & shiny! I forgot how much just a buffer can do for your nails! So here's the finished product!
All that Glitters is GOLD! I look at this picture and think "Man, they DO look good!" But then I look at my nails today... ha. More pictures to prove my point
This the stash that I got for .99cents each! My bff Natalie was down & we raided two wal-greens! :P
What polishes/brands do you LOVE? I'd love to try out some Essie products, but $8!!! :O It just hurts, but they do have an army green that I have my eyes on ;)